Editor's Note: Today's post is a series of notes and reflections taken by the author during a "Men and Abortion" seminar earlier this month. He is currently on special assignment in the southern tip of Brooklyn, and he has demanded "total radio silence, lest I disturb the natural habitat." We apologize for the scattered nature of this post.
From the fifth floor of the small Salisbury Hotel-
Chris has taken our group into Manhattan today to attend a seminar on Men and Abortion. There are a number of directors and staff from other New York crisis pregnancy centers, and the small conference room is crowded with about sixty people. The low-ceiling sprinkler pipes and folding chairs give the place a hint of the industrial/basement look, despite the small windows that peer out over 57th Street, but the rest of the hotel seems as elegant and refined as is expected of a moderate downtown hotel.
The group running the conference is the Calvary Baptist Church, which has a house of worship next door to the hotel and runs offices for administration, resource distribution, a small bible school, and even a little chapel on the fifth floor of the Salisbury. I am not sure whether the Salisbury Hotel has cut a deal with Calvary Baptist to give them the run of the fifth floor, or whether Calvary owns the building and makes money from the Hotel, or some other kind of symbiotic deal holds the place together.
Our room is filled with pro-lifers of all types. The chairs are mostly filled with black women from all parts of the City, and in one corner a knot of no-nonsense matriarchs are chattering together in rapid Spanish behind a row of white-veiled nuns, who are looking over the lecture flyer. A priest still wearing his roman collar just took a seat across the aisle from me. No hint of partisan politics this morning.
The subject for today is "Men and Abortion," the token-issue in the pro-life movement. The real energy of the whole movement is directed towards young women, and rightly so, but there is a growing realization that men play a very prominent Supporting Role in the decision to have an abortion - and are prone to problems very similar to post-abortion syndrome. Men are, for obvious reasons, a very small target demographic, but as pro-life leaders recognize the influence they can have on abortion-minded wives and girlfriends, much more stress will be laid on men and abortion.... which is why we're here today.
I am going to apologize in advance for the scattered nature of this post. My plan is to take notes as the lecture is going on, jotting down the more interesting points and my own meandering reflections as the seminar progresses. We'll see what we can come up with in the end, but at the moment there is a white-haired man in a plaid shirt and glasses asking for silence, and the lights are dimming.
Speaker Kevin Burke is not quite a young man; he has the look of a man on the event horizon that marks the beginning of the downward spiral into old age. He is dressed like an MBA-grad type, clean-cut with a white shirt and thin striped tie. His Powerpoint presentation is nothing to write home about - basic graphics and stock transitions - but his voice carries, and he speaks well.
Abortion is touted as a "private personal decision between woman & her doctor," but the Elliot (?) Institute reports that men play a central role 95% of abortion decisions. Experience indicates (and the crisis pregnancy workers agree) that a tremendous amount of abortion decisions are result of woman afraid of "losing the man." But when the time comes, men are required to stay outside the clinic, in the parking lot, in the car, the waiting room, wherever. This can be a dangerous situation, particularly for a man who is still on the fence about the abortion, because he is left alone with his own brain, to sit and stew on the situation. In many cases there is a necessary mental shutdown in which the personhood (and the subsequent son- or daughterhood) of the fetus is rationalized away. The reality of the death-event requires suppression.... and so for a man who has to sit alone and wait, the conflict between the urge to abort and the urge to keep the child can cause serious damage. And if he is against the abortion in the first place, the simple reality that she is in the clinic can break a man's mind.
Men are strong, but they are also weak, and frequently at the same time. If women are afraid of losing their men, the same can certainly be true in reverse. So many couples muddle their way into an abortion clinic because they are afraid of losing one another, without ever having an open and honest discussion about it. With this kind of central lack of communication, it's no wonder that some studies reveal post-abortion breakups at over 50%.
Now Burke is jumping on a biblical tack, discussing Genesis, the relationship between Adam and Eve, the serpent, etc. All of this is well and good, and it makes for excellent personal reflection - not particularly practical in crisis counseling, but food for thought. He points out that although in the Genesis story, Eve takes the apple and dooms the human race - but the primary responsibility for the sin, in terms of vocation, falls on Adam. Genesis has virtually nothing when it comes to stage direction, but it does not take too much imagination to see Adam watching from behind a broad-leafed bush, waiting for his beloved to make her choice, and unwilling to interrupt her, unwilling to challenge her, despite that small nagging sense that something very wrong is about to happen.
So many men (says Burke) in an abortion situation equate silence with support.
Burke is not so stupid as to think that all men experience some kind of post-abortion trauma, but there are enough cases on the books to suggest that this is a legitimate psycho-socio/medical/spiritual concern. It is akin to the trauma undergone by a couple after a miscarriage, and although it is very different in a few crucial respects, it is still Serious Business, which requires healing, assistance, and in some cases, therapy.
Men remain the token demographic in the post-abortion ministry of the pro-life movement, but this is due to the single central reason that men can be ridiculously stupid. In many cases, couples who go in for an abortion are completely unaware of the fetal development process. They have been fed the "blood clot" or "clump of tissue" Planned Parenthood bullshit, or just simply don't know - either way, many do not relate to the pregnancy as involving another human being. Anyone who has done crisis counseling for any serious length of time will tell you how the attitude towards pregnancy has shifted from it being a celebratory occasion to something that has to be "cured." However, even if the couple will admit the existence of a baby - and call it just that - the man will go along with his wife or partner for whatever reason du jour: financial situation, fear of parental rejection, "she's just not ready," "it's her body,"... all of which in fact imply an unwillingness to make good on the natural responsibility that belongs to any man that gets a woman pregnant. Financial situation? The breadwinner role belongs to the man. (And if she exercises her Choice in favor of keeping the baby? Ok, Bubba. No more Easy Way Out. Do what you need to do to bring home the bacon.) Fear of parental rejection? If you love her enough to have sex with her - to go through the motions of procreation, contraceptives notwithstanding - you have to be willing to support her. If her parents drop her, that doesn't negate your responsibility. (And if you "don't" love her, and still have sex with her, you are an Idiot of the worst degree, an arrogant sexist without enough blood to use your brains and your balls at the same time.) "She isn't ready?" She might not be. So why would you put her in a situation where she might get pregnant if you know she's not ready - if you know "you're" not ready? Irresponsibility in the extreme. "It's her body?" It is - as far as it goes. But her body ends where the body of the fetus begins. That body is part of her - and part of you. Silence is not support. Silence is weakness.
Men who have experienced post-abortion trauma and gone through the healing process are never silent, and they have become one of the strongest voices in the pro-life movement today. Monks muttering rosaries and kneeling in front of abortion clinics may be an object of ridicule to the pro-choice forces, but an eloquent young man or woman who has undergone an abortion experience and speaks out against it strikes a jabbering fear into the NOW and NARAL pushers. It is sort of expected for pro-life activists who have had abortions to use their own experiences to speak out against it, but a man who will stand up to let the world know how much he was hurt by abortion completely smashes the drooling pig/beast thug perception that the feminist abortion-pushers won't admit in public. Pro-life spies, who have worked in the belly of the snake, can attest to the blind white panic frenzy that these victim activists inspire - because no matter how deep it is hidden, every human being knows that the truth cannot be hidden forever. The brass horns are calling for the pro-aborts, and they are like ants beneath a black cloud.
Burke mentions some stats from the Shostak study, and takes pains to point out that Shostak isn't a pro-life propaganda stooge - he actually doesn't oppose abortion, but that fact doesn't change his findings, and actually legitimizes them to a degree.
- one in four consider abortion murder
- over 80% think about the child that might have been born
- 30% think of child frequently
- complicated grief
The men who have undergone abortion-related trauma - a proportionally small but vital demographic - can manifest that in a variety of ways: depression, abusive behavior, escapism (usually involving alcohol or drugs). Burke gets a few chuckles by noting that sexual side effects were listed in a male post-abortion syndrome symptom chart drawn up by TV medevangelist Dr. Phil. The biggest victim of post-abortion syndrome is relationships. If one or both parties experience abortion-related trauma, they sustain a wound deep in the sexual core of their relationship. That is a massive fault line, and the aftershocks can rip even a marriage apart. Burke is emphatic - the loss of abortion must be dealt with.
Burke seems to be winding down now, and his talk has shifted into biblical discussion and Christ-oriented counseling, which is valuable and not overwhelming. Burke does not advocate a religious perspective in dealing with a post-abortive man unless that man indicates an openness to it. He recognizes that religious counseling is only as effective as the level of willingness to receive it. It makes good material for personal reflection, in any case.
Burke closes with a short prayer - people are ready for the big platters of sandwiches and salad that the caterers have brought in during the talk. I'll probably stay back and wait until everybody else is done - people tend to complain less if they're already eating when you take the last sandwich. Burke has left his Powerpoint up, and study it briefly as I walk out to stretch my limbs. The last slide shows a poison-green viper ready to spring out and bury its giant fangs into something soft and vulnerable and untutored in the ways of snakes.
Every time a couple walks towards the doors of an abortion clinic, they are right back there in the tall primordial peace of the Garden. And every time a man walks out, to sit in the car, or smoke a cigarette, the Serpent has succeeded again; he has divided and he has conquered, and Adam stays behind the broad-leafed bush, and he watches, and he is silent.
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